Recently, in a candid conversation with a relative, I was told that their opinion of me was that I only helped out when it was convenient for me. I was shocked since I always offer before someone has to ask for help and always give whatever I have. I spent a few days feeling pretty sad that I was being misunderstood and underappreciated. Then I heard something Dr. Phil said to one of his guests......."What you think of me is none of my business!" Wow, that was an "aha" moment for me. I realized I have been spending too much time worrying about making everyone else happy, not wanting them to be upset with me, trying to make up for past mistakes and thinking I was doing a pretty good job. Evidently, their opinion of me is quite different than my own, but why was their opinion more important than mine? The only thing I've been doing is feeding into the negativity that for some people just won't go away. 

Hearing the statement above erased the negative feelings completely! I'm not responsible for how other people feel, especially if I am doing what I feel is a good job, from the heart and with love. People, we each know when we're not doing the right thing. We know when we're being selfish or inconsiderate. If someone else is telling you that you're selfish or unfair or that you're not doing enough, why do we believe them when we know in our hearts that it's not true? It's especially hard (and hurtful) when it's someone very close to you, but if you remind yourself that who you are comes from within you, NOT from what someone else thinks of you, you will be free of so much torment. So stop letting family members, co-workers, "friends" or anyone else put out your spark! Just go on doing what you feel is right. I guess there will always be people who are trying to bring you down, don't let it happen to you no matter WHO it is! 

Have you found yourself feeling stronger about your instincts? What about not putting up with any unreasonable demands or letting anyone use guilt as a weapon? Send me your comments about how you feel menopause has freed you to trust and know who you are! What was your own "Aha! Minnie Moment" that you can share with others who may not have reached that point yet.
 

 Read responses below......

These moments are happening more and more.  It's weird to say that it is getting easier.  But having fake and pretentious people in my life, I don't need or want.  I'm not quite where Bernadette is.... yet!  At 44y, started having a hot flash here and there since 39, then a missed period, here and there.  I'm trying to not be so dependent on my husband and create the life I always wanted.  This has been more difficult then I thought it would be, bad economy, husband lost job (can't seem to get another one).  And yes married 19 years with two children.  I've never cheated and wouldn't but I never wanted someone to tell me how to live my life, ironically I married just that.  Now peri-menopausal and with chronic illness trying to dig myself to happiness and wellness. Great wishes to all and may the force be with you!  Julia

Oh my goodness, Dee!  This newsletter could NOT have come at a better time!  It is truly amazing when someone validates your feelings, and you have done so SUPERBLY with your comments regarding how others perceive you!

I have an 8 yr. old child with learning disabilities who attends public school here in Canada.  Having been a US lobbyist before moving here, I am quite the "live wire" when it comes to standing up for what is right.  Without a qualified special ed. teacher on staff at many of the public schools in this country,  I have had to really push for changes in my child's school in order to get some help for my daughter.  Naturally, because of my outspokenness, I have been "labelled" and vilified by those whom I have come up against.  They don't really know me, but seem to have a very bad opinion of me, assumedly because I am a strong, "git 'er done" kind of old gal (which rubs some younger people in authority the wrong way.  Being someone who likes being liked, their negative opinions of me always seemed to nag at my self-esteem.

After reading your newsletter, though, I feel empowered.  I know I am doing the right thing in a decent way, and that should be enough for me.  Thank you for blessing my life with your words of wisdom!~Julie
 

Hi, Thank you for sharing. I am going through the same predicament with my brothers. I have always felt very sad that they do not appreciate me and are ignoring altogether. You comment will help me refocus on myself and my selfworth.
Thank you very much. Kindest regards, Andrée B.  Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

I am not sure what it is about menopause that makes you stand up for yourself when once you couldn't...but I know that I feel much more at ease in making my feelings known since my hysterectomy. I haven't had the "moment" yet, just a slow realization that I was doing myself a disservice by not speaking up. .....Vicki

Hi Dee, Oh boy, have i battled with this very thing most of my life.....Well.....Most of my non peri life. As i read your story i was shaking my head  yes and i felt what you were feeling and wanted to tell you.....Ditto...and (((hugs))))

You know, I have always felt so badly when someone misunderstood my character especially when its someone you feel close to.  I would lament over the comment forever. I think that the fact "we" feel so strongly hurt is because we truly know that we have been mistaken ....I think that as we get older, seasoned, calloused we loose the ability to go by our "intuitions" and they become clouded you know?

Dee....The fact that you have worked so hard on Minnie pauz for others says you are a wonderful, caring, empethetic, human being.....never doubt that....We are only one person...One person at a time. Ok finally....I never seem to be able to shorten "it" up....LOL....Here's my aha moment.

I was with a friend while she unfortunately needed to check her son into a rehab facility and i had gone with her for support.....As i waited for her in the waiting room an elderly women sat beside me.....We started to chat. She looked so drained and proceeded to tell me how she has committed her then 40 yr old son into this facility several times.  As we spoke, she was also growing more worried that it was getting dark out  and she told me that she felt uncomfortable driving in the dark.

After quite a while the Dr came out to speak with her and as she got up to leave she said good bye and i asked her if she would like me to walk her out as it was then dark and she touched my shoulder ans said......."sweet heart....Ive leaned not to worry about the things i CANT control  and only worry about the things i can.............Dee it was like that i shoulda had a v8 commercial.......Ohhhhhh yes!!...That's it!!!!! omg.

Its not easy to follow her words but i fall on them often and its  helped make a difference in my life......Dee, I hope this helps......And thank you so much for what you do and how you do it. Remember....As long as the body is straight it doesn't matter if its shadow is crooked. Be well, ((((((Hugs)))))) Lynda...AKA Lolly
 

When I turned 50 (now 60), I realized that you don’t die after 50. That you do, indeed, get better.  Sure our bodies go through the change but it doesn’t have to be unpleasant, only if we allow it to.  Yes, our hormones change and it certainly can do a number on our bodies.  I hardly had the energy to want to get out of bed, and then made the concerted effort to go the natural way.  My weight doubled and had many, many sleepless nights; would cry at commercials, my hair thinned out a lot, but emotionally, I was pretty even keeled. Never got nasty. Perhaps my directness, at times, may have appeared to be stinging, but that is not how I felt I came across.  Hardly got any hot flashes or night sweats.

I realized that during and after menopause I had gained a confidence--the “change of life” taught me to assert myself.  Believe it or not!  Some mistaken assertion for aggression.  Remember that directness I mentioned earlier?  I welcomed that with open arms!  Something I usually avoided before menopause graced me.  However, I didn’t use aggression as so many people often believe happens to menopausal women.  I truly liked my new-found confidence and the wisdom that comes along with age as well.  I realized that I didn’t have to suffer and went with the flow.  Didn’t have to believe all the hype about menopause.  We’re all individuals and unique.  But having the support from family, friends, especially our own doctors, is extremely important during menopause because it’s hard enough we’re trying to survive through it much less learn new, positive things about ourselves.  Though we are each different, the big “M” affects each of us differently.  Some of the effects can be devastating, but for me, I learned to work around the negatives and concentrated on the positives.  ......Pat

Dee, Your newsletter couldn’t have come on a better day.  I have spent 30 years trying to prove to my family that I am not who they perceive I am.  Needless to say, it has been a frustrating task. Your newsletter was an “aha” moment for me.  It’s time to stop trying to convince them that, despite their opinion of me, I am well-liked and respected in both my personal and professional life.  I do my very best to live and work with kindness, respect, and love.  As we age we accept that there will always be those we can’t please.  Why is that so difficult for us to apply to our own families?  Thanks for reaching out and finding me on this difficult week.   Trina
 

A lady in an electric chair asks me to drive her for a hair appointment. It always ends up being an 8 hour long trip.After 3 trips like this I decided,no more. I know when I am being used and abused.She waits until we are out of the driveway and then tacks on about 4 or 5 more stops.Then has the audacity to tell me that I shouldn't mind because I don't work an 8 hour job and have nothing else to do anyway. Excuse me? When did I have to start letting other people push me around? No more. Stick a fork in me,I am done....Texas lady

Thank you for posting on how a family member made you feel badly!   Yesterday I was in a situation with a co-worker that really left me feeling like less of myself.  I am glad you told  us one of Dr. Phil's quotes, What you think of me is none of my business.  It is now helping me to look at the situation with another perspective.  I know I did the best job I know how to do and I am not going to let this person affect me anymore!  Hope your situation resolves itself too! Thanks! Cathy E
 

Hi Dee, Thank you for sharing your personal story, it was very inspiring to me!  Hooray for positive power & freedom from negativity! God Bless You~KW
 

Hi Dee, Just a quick note about what you went through in the first paragraph. I had a similar thing happen to me a few years back - only in my case I was told that I was rude, inconsiderate, etc. etc. This is to family members that I had gone out of my way to be helpful to whenever I could! It still hurts but I like what you said. Sorry you had to go through that, but pleased that you found a way to feel okay about it. Take care, Elizabeth

Dear Minniepauz, First of all, I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for your website.  Although I am well past the age of menopause, I am 65, I soak in your musings and cartoons.  And I love to share your gems. Laughter is such a healing medicine. I think my AHA moment is realizing I have many AHA's and they are all to be appreciated. Trying to live in the moment brings many AHA's as I think I am more conscience of them when they do occur.

My musings to you: I seemed to have breezed through menopause with few ill effects other than a few hot flashes. The reason I think, for this, was, I was going through a divorce, the beginning of a chronic illness of CFIDS and fibromyalgia, (which had not, at that time, been diagnosed), so I was going crazy anyway. Since that time, I lost my job, my home and health insurance, have survived  2 bouts of "terminal" lung cancer. Finding meditation, a spirituality which has nothing to do with "church", friends of like mind, and most of all, humor, has been my salvation. 

You have no idea the giving you do to so many of us who need your specialness. Only you, out of all the millions of the people in the world, can give your particular gifts. Many thoughts may be similar, but I find it is the way something is worded or the time it is received, that make it relevant. There is a saying that goes, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear." I find this has been true in my case.  I am so glad you know your worth is in you and not in what someone thinks of you. Because the world as a whole and myself in particular, need you and your gifts of sharing. 

Reading your remarks about someone saying you only give when you need something, that you are selfish, cut to my being. Because I know how untrue this is. You give unselfishly to those of us you never see or hear from. Even though you do not know whether or not we are here.  It is for this reason I felt I had to share with you my thoughts.  It brings to mind the little song we sang in bible school, "Don't hide under a bush-oh no, let your little light shine." You are truly a bright light and I am blessed that you are not hiding under a bush. You go girl!!! Bless you in your life calling. Betty G
 

I want to Thank you so very much for this months newsletter. Talk about the right timing, it was just what I needed like you wrote it for me for I am having some troubles with a family member and the article helped me open my eyes to face anew look
Thank you  again......A.
 

Hi Dee, This really caught my attention, been meaning to reply. For me, it was simply believing that one day could go right! Was chronically fatigued from nighttime "symptoms" and had a breakfast work meeting @ 8:00am.  Tried every cream/gel to minimize the eye bags, did my best. You know what?  Told myself that this is not a looks/fashion show.  Actually starting to rely on my true inner self.  I was organized & gave a great presentation.  Hope I can have other days like this, your sweet 'cartoons' & affirmations did the trick!  I've been POST for 4 months-thought it was "over!" THANKS DEE! Karen

Dee,
My therapist has always said, "What other people think of us is none of our business." I use to argue with her that when it was my sister, husband, son... it did matter more what their opinion was. But, as time has gone by, I have finally realized that it really IS about ME and what I think about what I've done or said that matters. It's about whether or not I've violated my personal values or integrity - if I haven't, then I'm fine with whatever I've done or said. If someone else has a problem with it, well, it's his/her problem! I love your website and have for many years! Thanks for all you do! Happy Spring! toni

Hi Dee - Your comments in this recent Newsletter about being told you only help out when it's convenient for you soooooooooooo resonated with me that I had to respond. To be honest I think the menopause WAKES US UP, some of us that is.  Especially those who've gone through life doing their best, seeing to others needs quietly without creating a great fuss.  And the menopause certainly showed me those who had taken my care for granted and the more I gave, the more they wanted.

We tend also to think that its our children who take us for granted but I didn't find that.  For me the menopause threw up lots of questions about my relationships, what role I'd been playing, and what led me to play those roles. When I hit the menopause at 39 I didn't even know what was happening.  I really needed an understanding and supportive husband, but what I had was a man who was annoyed because my sex drive wasnt what it had been, that I was tired and sleepless, and who told me that he didn't 'need me any more'.  So I was virtually dismissed.  I divorced him and he then proceeded to run around town with women half his age and he turned into a complete and utter b******d!

So that was one pair of rose tinted spectacles torn from my eyes! I honestly didn't know who I'd been married to for 19 years and I felt like I'd been his brood mare and nothing more.  He even told me the children weren't my business. Next was my mother, who decided to tell me at the age of 40 that she wished she'd taken me out and lost me when I was a baby.  She wasn't joking.  She was yelling and screaming at me that she'd never wanted a second child, she'd only ever wanted one child.

So there I was - with the brutal truth.  It hurt like hell.  It was such a painful revelation delivered with all the delicacy of a 10 ton bulldozer!  And it left me reeling because once she said it out loud, or rather yelled it out loud, it was out there! And all the 'silly little things' about my life that I'd brushed aside as 'my imagination' or that I'd been told I was 'too sensitive' about, suddenly just all dropped into place. No photographs of me until I was 5 and went to school.  My sister being allowed to physically and verbally abuse me and go unchecked.  I began remembering sentences spoken, responses or lack of responses, and it was like 'Kerching!  So THAT'S why x, y, z happened!  THAT's why.  And as for my sister, well I'm not even going there!

So now I'm 54, my parents are both dead, I went into the meno when my father died, and I seem to have recovered from it after my mother died.  At her funeral my sister took great pleasure in showing people photos of Mum and herself when she was a baby knowing full well there were none of me.  That was done deliberately and that's the sort of abuse she turned to when physical abused could no longer take place.

So I took a deep breath while she waited for me to respond with a hysterical, hormone driven rage and God only knows how I stopped myself but I said absolutely NOTHING.  I continued feeling like an uninvited guest at our mother's funeral but I kept a brave face.  Afterwards I went home, said goodbye to my sister and changed my phone number and have never seen her or spoken with her again because there's no point.  I really thought about what I was going to do too.  I sat alone in our mother's home for a while and I thought "Well, I can continue being the punchbag here or I can turn my back and walk away." That was something I'd been so scared of for years - losing my 'family'.

Now this is not an attempt at getting sympathy because I really don't need it or want it.  It's a genuine attempt to explain another side to the menopause which is linked to our parents changes too and the timing of them.  All my life I was 'driven' to have my own family.  All I ever wanted was a husband, home and children.  And I was shocked at my mother's reaction when I had my second child.  She REFUSED to even come to the hospital to see us.  Later I realised she was behaving exactly like she did when she had me, she didn't want to acknowledge me.  At the time I didn't understand but that was just ONE of the puzzle pieces which fell into place during the menopause.

For me the menopause was most definitely a time when truths were revealed and I think perhaps a lot of women who go through a difficult time then are really picking up signals about stuff that perhaps has gone over their heads when they were younger.  And I also believe there's a reason for that.

And the reason is procreation.  Somehow even kids whose mothers weren't really there for them get the chance to have their own kids.  Once they've done that and they're more or less safely raised, it's OK to look at the truth.  If we'd seen the truth before we may have been afraid to have our own kids. So in a nutshell - the menopause actually showed me that my strange little suspicions and imaginings were all in fact correct.  Now THAT made me feel less mad and more sane than I'd ever been in my life! I hope that's been helpful to you.  Cheers......Bernadette