"My career history has been nothing short of interesting.  I started out wanting to become a nun.  Yes, a nun. But, when I realized I’d have to be Catholic, well, it kind of put the kibosh on it.  My hard-shell Southern Baptist family would have all simultaneously swooned, AND turned over in their respective graves.  Still, I look awfully good in black.

So, I did the next best thing, I became an accountant; then a commercial actress; then a sculptor; then a painter; then a graphic and web designer (ever notice how everyone and their brother has been a web designer?), and finally came back, full circle, to accounting. 

In between these various incarnations, I wrote, a lot, and managed to have a couple things published. 

Without a doubt, writing has been my salvation, my friend, my muse, my lifelong love, and will continue to be, unless of course, I can find a man."

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Not Always a Good Thing
 

Stress…it doesn’t need to be stressful by D. Gustafson Illustration by D. Adams

How about a topic that is near and dear to one and all?  Stress.

I once visited my doctor because no matter how much rest I got, I was whacked.

"Everything checks out fine, Mrs. Gustafson."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you.  I'm just tired, bone tired, all the time."

"Hmmm, tell me, are you under stress?"

I proceeded to tell the doctor about my life.  I was just divorced; had a son in high school; a pregnant daughter that couldn't pee without obsessing about it, or for that matter couldn't do anything without obsessing about it; a fledgling business; and had moved into my dying mother's house to care for her.

The doctor's response?

"Well, you need to eliminate some of the stressors in your life."

What the hell did he mean?  Kill my mother?  Dump my business, and go on welfare?  Move and not tell my children? What?

Doctors are not my favorite people.  They make these stupid suggestions “…eliminate some of the stressors…” and charge you $150.00, which, by the way, is another “stressor”.  If I could charge someone that much money for five seconds, trust me, I wouldn’t have any stress.

If you draw breath, you're under stress.  That's life these days.  There has to be some magic bullet for dealing with stress; some way to successfully and intelligently deal with all the cruddy stuff that falls in our path. 

After much trial and error, I’ve discovered certain coping mechanisms to handle life’s various traumas.

1. Stop sleeping.  If you’re tired, and I mean totally and completely exhausted, you’re too brain dead to think of your problems.  You’ll find that you can simply sit and stare off into the distance, with an empty mind.  If you do this for an extended period, whatever the problem, it will eventually fix itself, with absolutely no effort on your part.

2. Grind your teeth in your sleep.  Granted, your dental work will take a hard hit, but all the grinding energy expended must do something.

3. Stop eating.  This is one of my favorites.  After the problem has somehow resolved itself, you will be the proud owner of a new, svelte figure.  Dizziness and lack of energy may become problematic, but you can adapt.

4. If you can’t stop eating, eat only sugar, or something made with 95% sugar, 4% preservatives, and 1% rodent hair.  You probably won’t gain much weight, because you can only eat so much before getting sick; and you’ll have the extra added benefit of tremendous energy.  Unfortunately, the energy is of a rush-type nature, so make sure you keep enough in your system to avoid those sugar ups and downs.

If you find that you can eat an inordinate amount of sugar without becoming ill, focus on the rodent hair content.  That should keep it under control.

5. Bite your nails.  Shorter nails are in, and hey, if you’re on Atkins, they’re made of protein.

6. Get mad, mad at anyone or anything…but, at a distance. An ex-husband is good for this.  Start remembering all the crappy things he did to you.  If he didn’t do any crappy things to you, make some up.  If he’s really happy in his new life, that’s an excellent place to start.

I have an ex-husband, so I suppose I’m lucky.  If you don’t, try for Ashleigh Banfield, because she looks good with dark or light hair, and has a really good chin line that will never become a wattle. 

7. Find something you can control.  Stop bathing.  By bucking the current of basic hygiene and decency, you can flaunt your newfound power, and show the world that you’re your own woman.  This method is best employed if you have limited access to the public.

8. Another good way to exert a bit of control is to stop shaving your legs.  Look at the exercise as an experiment.  Plot the rate of growth; it will keep your mind occupied. It’s interesting to find that you’re not as hairy as you thought.

If you’ve followed even one of my suggestions, please get professional help.  I suppose I will…someday.