Depression :(

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Depression :(

Postby danmia » Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:23 pm

I'm having a real hard time with depression right now. Cut a long story short, three months ago my husband decided we were giving up smoking, I joined him about two months ago and it was okay at first, but I soon realised wait this is not on my terms this on his terms, remember the puppy deal, never ever make deals with husbands because they will backfire on you. Anyway I have the puppy and honestly am willing to give that up right now as well. I hate being told what to do and this was forced on me as a bribe and I am pissed. I never wanted to give up smoking at least not yet, because I am really down and depressed already with this stupid menopause crap and that on top was more than I could take. But no he won't let me smoke again, so of course I am cheating behind his back which is really hard but I need my sanity somewhere. I am alone for 12 hours a day, no one to talk to, I don't drive so nowhere to go, I work from home and my job is very stressful and demanding with horrible deadlines. This year has been my busiest year and I am really tired and just down on life itself right now. He says you're depressed cos you're not smoking it will go away, no it wont because I'm depressed already and smoking he wont listen to anything I say he talks over me all the time with his logic. He ignores my menopause because he says his way of dealing with worrying about me is to be hard on me, yeah that works when you're feeling low. I just feel stupid and he treats me like a kid on this subject all the time. I can't explain this very well, just that I'm totally fed up with the whole thing. I just want support and a bit of appreciation sometimes, I know he does inside but he's useless at expressing it and that's fine most of the time but right now I need a bit of TLC and all I get is lectures. He said today oh so we wasted $600 on a puppy, and that just makes me mad, we bought him a guitar and bass a couple of years ago, that cost $1000 and does he use it, not at all it just sits in the cupboard, we bought a motorcycle a couple of years ago $7,000 he uses it maybe once a week in the summertime and that makes me soooooo angry. I feel I need permission for everything I do and that really irks me. I maybe unfair in this I am so confused and just need someone to say good job, you work so hard, or I understand how you feel I'm here for you. He gets in from work at around 3.00am and I cook for him then, I get up earlier than he does to make coffee, look after the animals, I do all the housework, he does absolutely nothing in that regard. And yes he works hard at his job, and yes he is very tired, and often very grouchy especially in the summer long hours, but I do as much if not more and still wait on him hand and foot. I just feel miserable I try to tell him how I feel but he just doesnt listen he talks over me most of the time and I just get angry and he doesn't tolerate that he will walk out or just tell me to shut the **** up. He does love me I know he does but he has no clue how to handle me at all. He says he knows me, but honestly I dont think he does at all. I'm lonely and sad and probably totally irrational about all this I just needed to vent. Now i'm going to go and have a good cry and see if that helps, then I have to work , thanks for listening.
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Postby minniepauz » Sun Jul 22, 2007 5:32 pm

danmia....you're not being irrational at all....sounds to me like you're just finally telling the truth about how you feel and you need validation. Well, let me tell you about all the women I've heard from who just got to the point where they said "that's enough". Then they decided to leave and do their own thing without the constant condescending attitude from the husband.

Now, I'm not saying "leave him"....not at all, I'm just trying to relay that you are not alone in getting to this point and you have every right to feel like you do and to expect him to open his eyes and make this a partnership the way it's supposed to be. Most of the foreamentioned husbands were in shock and had no clue as to why their wives got a divorce...yes, they wrote to me. One was a cartoonist and sent me the cartoon on this page: http://www.minniepauz.com/male-menopause.html (his wife was oriental, that's why it says "I want to be flee") Thousands of women just don't want to live like that anymore (whatever their "that" includes).

I can hear the rebellion in your voice about the smoking and I would suggest that you try the Chantix....it's a prescription but it's really working for a lot of people and your main thing is to quit for you, for your health, so don't do it because he "made" you. If you can't, then just tell him...and say "I'm an adult, not a child and I'm trying....." At least you will have it out in the open.

The depression is no fun....I suffered with that for most of my life too but it's not all menopause related. There's something missing from your life and hopefully you can find it again. It may take medication to get you back into balance or it might just take making up your mind that you're going to do things you enjoy and take each day on your terms not his. You know the $600 was not a waste. I'm sure that puppy is adorable and you deserve it whether you were able to quit or not. Remind him of the same thing you told us about the motorcycle and the guitar....he's just using these tactics because they work on you, Girl!! Don't let him get away with it. Things need to be fair from here on out and he's not your father. Start treating him like you're his mother and see how he likes it.

Well....I don't know if anything I've said will spark something in you, but I wanted to at least let you know I'm listening and I do understand. The main problem is YOU are the only one who can make a change. Are you ready for that? :bighug:
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Postby danmia » Sun Jul 22, 2007 5:38 pm

Thank you for making me feel at least that I'm not unjustified in how I feel. I have actually written it all down in a letter to him because whenever i try to talk to him he talks over me and just will not listen, so hopefully if he reads it he may just take it in without getting pissy about it. It's not that he doesnt care, I know he does, he just has no clue how to express emotions at all and definitely has no clue about women, menopause or anything like that. I said to him that I will give up smoking on my terms and in my own time and if he hadnt pushed me so hard I probably would have done it sometime this year anway but his way has actually made me want to smoke even more right now. I have said I am not a child, I can make my own decisions but he can argue his way out of anything and always makes it sound like you are wrong and he is right. He has a wonderful gift of being able to talk anyone down to make sure he comes off the one who is right. Anyway I'm not going to ramble anymore I will finish my letter and see how I feel at 3.00 this morning when he gets home as to whether i show it to him or not, at least I'm venting somewhere even if it's just on paper. Thanks again I do appreciate you being there.
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Postby hotpatootie » Sun Jul 22, 2007 7:25 pm

Good luck danmia, some men need to feel important or like they have some control over some aspect of their lives and tend to push their woman around and treat her like a child.

You sound to me a bit like my "straw that broke the camel's back" theory, one day he just does some stooopid thing and it is just the last straw.

You aren't parent and child, you are partners in life and should be there to help each other, not to piss each other off. If you aren't ready to quit smoking nobody can force you to do it, but he must really care a whole hell of a lot about you to want to see you quit and he is going about it in his own clumsy way it seems. But he shouldn't be throwing things in your face, like the price of the puppy, that is just wrong.

I don't know what to tell you about the depression, I suffered with long bouts of it as well, it was like an on-going never ending roller-coaster ride. I wouldn't make any hasty decisions during a bout of depression. But you need to make that man of yours understand what you are going through. I think if he is hard to talk to or talks over you, then the letter idea is a good one.

All I can tell you is that your mood will get better. And things won't seem so bad one day.
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Postby danmia » Wed Aug 01, 2007 11:00 pm

Just to let you know all went well with the hubby, he called me and told me how much he loved me, before I even showed him the letter or told him about it. He read it totally understood and was great. I am much better re depression (so far) but I am plagued with bad hot flashes sweats, panic, and my IBS is horrible. But you know what I'm not complaining, my mood is much better. Physically screwed right now, stress levels with my work are at the highest ever, few family crisis but I'm coping with it. Now if I could just get rid of the panic attacks I'd be all set. I can deal with all the other crap but those floor me. As does the gas pain cramping from my IBS you would think with all the medicines they have out there they would find something for that. sigh..........I have my kids send me mebeverine from england (colofac) which helps, you can get it over the counter there, but not even on prescription here, why why why it's really helpful, not a cure but gets you regular without the diarrhea all the time, doesn't stop the cramps but again helps. I am the Gas Aid queen i should have shares in the company by now I use so much of it. So just wanted to say you girls are great, you were so much comfort the other week when I needed a shoulder, thanks so much :)
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Postby hotpatootie » Thu Aug 02, 2007 7:51 am

Glad things are going better for you, you just have to ride out all the meno stuff, it will eventually go away. the bowel problems, might want to read up on this http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddisease ... uscolitis/

One key symptom is nocturnal diarrhea. I have this and what you discribe sounds a bit like it.
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Postby birdqueen » Thu Aug 02, 2007 9:55 am

Hi Danmia,

My heart goes out to you. I know how it is when hubby just wants things his way. Ruler of the roost. My 1st hubby was like that in alot of ways. but yours.... seems to show some care and concern as mine didnt. We lasted nearly 7 yrs. My hubby now...is the complete opposite. Very caring and allowing me to be me. I am the queen of the home and whatever I wanted or said I needed, I got in time. I just have to allow him to do the finances and see ahead to where it will lead us. He is a great one for seeing down the money road.

Depression is an old familiar thing to me also. I am convinced I was born with it. It took me a long long time before I found a therapist to see where it was coming from. Depression is a side effect of the main cause. You may want to see where it is coming from within yourself. It can be cured. You can see life all over again for the first time. It is a beautiful thing to wake up one morning and see the world thru newer eyes. Like a blanket has been lifted off you.

It also sounds like you just need some breathing space. Warm 30 minute baths followed by a 30 minute rest in bed will do wonders for your stress levels and calm you down alot. I did this the first time a few weeks ago... I passed out in the tub just after I settled into it. So do be careful. Have someone check on you after the 30 minute time.

Great suggestion for the rest of us here... thanks. On the journaling and letter writing. Suggestion to be reversed to your hubby... have him write down his feelings and mail them to you. Nothing fancy, just write them on paper. It maybe helpful for him to do that.
My hubby is great with expression of his feeling for me.... to others. Not to me. So when he NEEDS to get me a card of apology or anniversary, he sweetly writes down his emotions. Short and simple but very sweet. I think at times we tend to intimidate them with this stuff. Its a guy thing I think that they have to be strong and powerful for us women and if they see the soft side of themselves, it could be that it scares them or something to think they maybe losing touch with their manly side. Just a thought here is all.

Is there anyway you could lessen the stresses of your work at home load??? Would writing down your priorities help? Maybe sending that message to the brain that you are priortizing will help lessen the stresses. The brain will say " ok she is handling this issue, we can relax now abit."
i.e. if the table is full of papers, it will look neater and more organized if stacked into smaller neat piles. Still the same amount of papers on it, but looks more organized and that you can handle better. Sometimes we can use a smoke and mirror effect to see less stress.

Take a step back and breathe abit.

The girls are right here, they said YOU are the only one to control YOU. So take back the control and set some boundaries for yourself that are reasonable and let hubby know. If you do things behind his back, where is the trust factor for both of you in the relationship? I do not smoke so I do not understand all the effects it gives to those that do.
I do see that you would be cutting your nose to spite your face, just to get even with him for forcing something on you that you were not ready for.
That! I do understand. Been there ! Done that ! many times. It always seemed to backfire on me later too.

I wish I could Hug you for some comfort and let you know you are not alone here, I too am here to listen if you need.
I also want to say something that will really help here. but, I am just being too wordy at the moment. So please know that I am really trying to underscore what the other girls have said to you.
My best wishes for a healthier relationship with Hubby is being sent to you. Do you have any friends nearby that could atleast pop in on you to share a 30 minute break or come have lunch with you?

Janice
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Postby danmia » Thu Aug 02, 2007 4:25 pm

what a lovely message, thank you so much for your comments they really really lifted my spirits. My IBS is most painful due to gas, I find five minutes after i get up in the morning it starts. and again if i nap it will get me when i wake up, so something about being vertical hehehehe. I have two differnt types of symptoms, sometimes it's just plain gas cramps that really really floor me for that time. Then sometimes i just get cramps and they go once I go if you catch my drift. That's usually early morning or late at night. It's something I have lived with since i was 15 years old just much worse during this peri stuff. Work wise, my work is deadline based and not much I can do about that, I agree though with straightening up the desk would make me feel better, i will get onto that one :)
again many thanks :)
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Postby birdqueen » Thu Aug 02, 2007 6:14 pm

So where is Roger Rabbit??? Love the photo of his wife... lol


I am glad that I could help you with one thing to make you smile. :D You may not be able to do much about anyone else but you do have control over yourself and your work environment. Glad that you found something to atleast improve that area. See? Its getting better already.

You are very welcome Danmia.

Janice
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Postby Seventeen_At_Heart » Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:21 pm

I've been very depressed today, feeling like I don't fit in anywhere (never mind my clothes :( ).
The problem is, my period finished (sort of) a couple of days ago, and whilst the body is getting back to normal (normal?! *hysterical laugh :? *), I am so very down in a way I cannot control by ''making myself cheer up'' if you know what I mean.

Too many problems I can't face, and I just want to hide away at home, in front of the computer, with some 'pick-me ups' (not food - nuff sed?).
Born 1959
Hashimoto's hypothyroid finally diagnosed 1991 when 30, (after first child).
In pre-menopause. Trying natural progesterone cream.
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Postby aprilcline » Sun Feb 03, 2008 1:59 am

Hi Ladies - I'm surprised that depression isn't discussed more often. I'm 51 almost 52 and still having regular periods (sigh) :roll:
and what I've noticed over the last 12 months is how significant my depression is. Having struggled with depression my whole life and had lots of drugs and therapy only to figure out that nothing really works for me - I am now faced with the fact that this kind of perimenopausal hormone related depression is much more significant than the other kind of regular traditional situational depression.

I want to do something holistic....take DHEA or something like that - perhaps St. John's wart and see a homeopathic physician but I haven't done it. I procrastinate everything lately and I just cannot seem to really stick to anything. I just struggle so much with confidence, insecurity, doubting myself, feeling all alone... and I'm hoping that this is all pretty standard for perimenopause - am I right?

Thanks...
April
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Postby minniepauz » Mon Feb 04, 2008 8:50 pm

Yes, you're right April and I'm with you.....going to start taking my St. John's Wort again. I'm the worst procrastinator too!

Don't have time to post right now, but hang in there and you'll get through this....come on ladies....give her a boost!! :)
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Postby danmia » Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:00 pm

We're all a bit low right now I think, winter is just too long here. I'm pretty fed up with the whole menopause stuff but hey we have each other, and the comfort of someone saying oh I get that too, and you just feel better somehow knowing that you're not alone. So April you are definitely not alone, I just felt so low today I didnt want to do a thing, not work, just sat there staring at the screen. Then my daughter called and I thought you know what I feel better. So loved ones, friends and this message board that's what keeps us going.
You are not alone and it's fine, we will get through this and look back and tell our children well daughters anyway that perhaps they will have a magic pill for this when it's their time. Because you dont want them to have this ever.
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Postby saracat » Tue Feb 05, 2008 5:50 pm

April, I too have dealt with depression for a long time. I feel the way you described: no confidence and apathetic. I think it's gotten worse. I'm trying increasing the meds for now. Exercise is supposed to help, if you want to stay away from drugs. I found that St john's wort didn't work after 6 mo. Good luck.

Sue
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Postby minniepauz » Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:48 pm

It's advised that you give the St. John's Wort a break after a few months. Wish I could remember where I read that.
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