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PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 4:34 am
by Henry01
Hi everyone - although there are not many or really recent posts in here, I am hoping someone may help me.
I am not even sure that my problems relate to menopause (men always blame that) but it may be at least in part.
I remarried in 2008 and it lasted until May 2009. My son and I moved out as my wife and I had stopped communicating on any real level - although there was no anger or violence involved. But misunderstandings had increased and we both became withdrawn.
We are both basically kind and caring people. But blended families are difficult and we were both under a lot of pressure.

One minute she seems warmer towards me and my hopes of reconciliation soar - only to be dashed the next.

Does any of this sound similar to anyone else's experiences?


Re: Lost

PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 10:08 am
by minniepauz
Henry, I admire you for reaching out for some answers and although we may not be able to give you the solutions, you may be going in the right direction by considering that menopause may be the underlying cause of the problems. We have to remember that it's called "the change" for a reason. Unfortunately, it never falls into a neat little package of events and timing that one can rely on. Every woman experiences this in her own way and I'm not sure there's alot you can do in a proactive way. I would suggest that you remain patient, continue to educate yourself (as you seem to be doing by coming here) I tell everyone else, try to keep a sense of humor--honestly, it's better than crying.

Is she aware that she's probably in the throes of menopause? Does she talk about it? Has she seen her doctor? Have you and her ever discussed the whole issue of hormone replacement therapy? I'm your age, but I started going through it 20 years ago and fortunate for the men, I was single at the time! Well, I still am but at least I didn't make anyone else suffer through it with me.

I CAN tell you that this time in a woman's life can be the most challenging test to a marriage or relationship. Getting through it may depend solely on how you've gotten through other problems. If your communication was not good before, menopause is certainly not going to improve it. In my 14 years of doing this website, I've never heard of a perfect relationship being ruined by menopause....but I HAVE heard many, many women say that for the first time they are thinking about THEIR needs before everyone else's.

I'm so sorry I can't say something that will be immediately helpful, but I know of at least ONE woman on here who will probably give you some insight. (Gorgeous Fluffpot), so hang in there with us and keep us updated. Also keep doing what you're doing and don't worry about being "used". Her moods are going to flutuate tremendously during this process (think Jeckle and Hyde), just as her hormones are!

You might want to invite her to join us here if you think she'd be open to it. It's a sticky topic, but the more you can bring everything out in the open. the more supportive you're able to be. Most women appreciate when a guy takes the time to really understand .

Re: Lost

PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 3:30 am
by gorgeousfluffpot
Dee, what a good answer you gave Henry and I'm flattered you think my comments may help, although you have pretty much covered everything. What I did observe, though, was that Henry and his wife married only a year or so beforehand so it is a short marriage. Perhaps I ought to be speaking to Henry here:
Before I think you can look at repairing the marriage, perhaps you ought to look at why you married in the first place - clearly there were some shared aims and future plans that you had, perhaps love came into it as well although I wonder if, later in life, there's not always another motive, the fear of growing old alone, of perhaps a 'last chance' at love and permanent companionship. Sorry if this isn't palatable but I have many friends who are on a 'second time around' and they have all said that they thought it was their last chance at finding someone, that the marriage market when you're older isn't an easy one to negotiate. The trouble is, you are a fully formed person when you're older, with distinct likes and dislikes and ingrained habits, and sharing your space and compromising on things is much, much harder. With stepchildren, there's also split loyalties and it is difficult to be absolutely fair and impartial with 'your' children and 'their' children.
You say your wife is hot towards you, then cold, then warm, then indifferent. Sounds like someone who has gone into a marriage with one view of how it is going to be and is finding it difficult to settle into a fixed relationship. How long was she single before you two got together? Maybe she's feeling a bit claustrophobic, going from a house with two people (her and her son) to four when you and your son came in. What changes in the house did she have to make. what changes to her routine did she have? What compromises did she make? What were the 'misunderstandings' to which you refer - were they to do with running the house, the children? Try to look back, objectively, to find out what the root of the misunderstandings were as it may give you a clue to her dissatisfaction with this marriage.
I think it's very telling that she says she wants her "best friend" back. That, to me, is a very honest statement and indicates to me that she wants the companionship and friendship of your relationship, but without the constant proximity of sharing a house and perhaps the emotional and sexual obligations that go with marriage. When you get older it is difficult to give up your independence or to share your space. I know, I lived alone for 25 years before moving in with Mr. Gorgeous and, criminy, pretty much all the rows we have ever had are about where stuff should go, even to which cupboard the cornflakes should be in. In my house, I put them by the fridge so they were close to the milk but in his house he had put them by the plates so they could be poured easily. What a silly thing to argue about but, dammit, this wound me up SO MUCH and we both hated having to compromise on the things we knew, which worked for us, and which had formed part of our routine for 25 years.
She also doesn't want to discuss emotional stuff and maybe she's trying to convey that she wants your friendship, your companionship and - selfishly - your do-it-yourself and man-about-the-house skills around but without all the love/marriage/emotional mass that can bring. It might be that she does love you but marriage hasn't brought about that intensity of fervour with which we identify that married couples should have.
Henry, I'm wondering whether she's going to be easier to be with now that she has her space and her house back. For what it's worth, I think that a relationship that is based on FRIENDSHIP is far, far more sustaining that a relationship based on love. Many won't agree with me, but I truly believe that friendship can be a seedbed for love, but intense love can fizzle out and expose the differences and incompatibilities. I don't think you have any choice but to accept your wife's current request for friendship and perhaps to play the long game here in getting her back. Perhaps if you back off the pressure a bit, and give her some space, then she may reach out to you. Often when you walk away the other person comes after you because the absence, the loss is felt by them.
I'd not try to broach any discussion about you two getting back together yet. Play it cool but friendly and approachable. Let her know you're around for her, try to lighten up and find some humour. Do some things together, just the two of you, without the kids - something that makes you both laugh and that makes her identify fun times and laughter and easy friendship with YOU. It might be that the two of you just aren't suited for marriage, but for a long time of friendship and companionship and occasional intimacy. Might not be what you want but if the only other option is losing her altogether, then that's a choice you have to make.
Henry, stay strong. Keep in touch.

Re: Lost

PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 1:20 pm
by minniepauz
I love you Mrs. Fluffpot!! :cloud9: lol

Re: Lost

PostPosted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 9:21 am
by minniepauz
Well....Henry has never come back to read his responses. Just like a man...they say they'll call and then they don't. LOL Maybe our advice worked so well he's back in good graces with his lady!! That would be terrific! We'd sure like to know though! :)