Husband refuses to understand

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Husband refuses to understand

Postby sandi149 » Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:00 am

Hi I am new here...been going through perimenopause for several years now. I am 51. Lately I have had very bad symptoms, nite sweats, loss of sex, aches and pains. My husband refuses to understand and thinks that I am just complaining. I have lost most of my sex drive and he is very mad about that. I just don't know what to do to convince him that I am not just complaining and that all my symptoms are real. My marriage is really suffering cause of this.

Any advice?

Thanks,
Sandi
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby danmia » Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:15 am

Hi and welcome......I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your husband. Does he use the computer at all? If so direct him to this website let him read the thousands of posts from long suffering women like ourselves. There is even a msg board for husbands but there are plenty of references for posts where women like yourself have been in the situation of having a completely non supportive spouse. Although I have to say I have tried this with my husband and he really didn't want to read it. That's okay but if you get them to understand just how helpless and tired and fed up with the whole thing you are and you know it upsets him and gets him down but a lot of his complaining is probably just that he feels helpless and doesn't know how to deal with it. A lot of guys get angry when they don't understand something its like a defense mechanism they have.
My husband doesn't complain about my complaining but I don't really think he knows exactly how hard this has been and still is for me. Your loss of libido is quite normal but I'm sure made worse by your husband making you feel bad about it. Maybe just let him read the 35 symptom list do you by chance have kids? If so was he supportive when you were pregnant? If he was then you can tell him it's like being pregnant without the lovely end result.....same sort of symptoms nausea, tiredness, loss of libido, aches pains, sweats all due to the hormones of course. I know its hard and I wish I could help you more but it takes time and sitting your guy down and having a good talk about it about how you feel and how you understand how he must be feeling, show him some posts, tell him it's not forever just a little glich in life we have to put up with....this forum is a life saver this website is excellent for information.....I wish you well and hope you can sort things out with your husband... :D
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby minniepauz » Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:11 am

You know Sandi, he may be facing some of his own fears too. Not sure of his age, but men go through a hormonal change too called andropause. If it's possible to get into a good conversation about it all, maybe he can be more supportive?

Here's a page on my site that may help. Lots of good info and links. http://www.minniepauz.com/male-menopause.html There are comments there from men and usually once they know they're not the only ones going through this, they start to come around. If he won't read this board like Mia suggested, print out info and leave around for him! There is a section where some men have posted called The Men's Room. :)

Let him know you are working on the problems that have developed (just like the other 50 million women going through it) and how great it would be if he could be involved. It WILL get better, maybe he needs to know that. We just don't know how long it will take since we're all different. What I always suggest is that we have to get used to a "new normal". It seems that everything changes, not just our hormones. We just never knew what it was going to be like.

On the men's side of things.....I can understand how hard it would be to believe that all this (like the 35 symptoms) could happen all of a sudden. They need to be informed just like we have to be informed (and educated). Ignoring the reality causes the worst problems, so like I said....leave stuff around for him to read and TRY to discuss the options (going natural or with hormone therapy). Good luck and welcome to the world of menopause!
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby gorgeousfluffpot » Sat Aug 22, 2009 7:19 am

Danmia, that's a super reply and I echo your words. It's difficult for a man to understand ... menopause is one of those vague 'women's complaints' that they joke about but don't understand and one of my friends was joking about how we complained about hot flushes, until he actually saw me turn beetroot red in a nano-second one evening and then I think he understood it wasn't just a load of women finding something to complain about.
Re. the lack of libido ... been there and done that, but some men just aren't good without sex. Mr. Gorgeous is a sweetie but my sexdrive has definitely left for the weekend so, occasionally, I put on the sexy gladrags and grunt and groan and tell him what a hot stud he is whilst mentally doing my shopping list and wondering whether I should cook roast or boiled potatoes for tomorrow'w lunch. Believe me, faking an orgasm is not the big deal some people make it out to be. I have friends who say that you should NEVER fake an orgasm, it's dishonest, etc., etc., ..... well OK, but just you wait until foreplay has lasted half an hour and you're still waiting for your fuse to be ignited. Men take it as a personal insult if they can't get you hot, so - heck, I say just go with the flow, grin and bear it and it keeps them happy and you don't have the guilt trip.
Like Danmia says, your husband probably feels helpless and maybe a bit scared. Perhaps he thinks he'll end up with an ill wife, or have no sex for the rest of his life. Get a leaflet from the doctor about menopause and leave it lying around.
Good luck, this isn't an easy predicament. Having a supportive partner helps a lot at this time of life ... you just have to bring him round to realising that your body is having a major upheaval (like Danmia says, in pregnancy) and that if this was happening to him you'd be understanding and supportive to him.
Take cover! Hormones on the rampage again ...
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby sandi149 » Sun Aug 30, 2009 4:28 pm

thank you all for your replies....but I really don't think he understands at all. He just gets annoyed and says I'm selfish.

Do these symptoms, i.e. night sweats, lack of sex drive, etc last for the rest of your lives or only while you are going through perimenopause?

Thanks for any advice
Sandi
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby danmia » Sun Aug 30, 2009 4:34 pm

Good question I HOPE only while we're going through this lol.......my night sweats have almost disappeared now just occasionally it happens. Lack of libido never has been that bad for me but it's not as good as it used to be, but we manage I'm lucky in that my husband isn't unreasonable about sex at all, he always understands if I'm feeling crappy or just over tired. He works really hard so he's often very very tired too so that works for us.......did you get your husband to read some of the posts on here? I'm sure that would help a great deal if he could see it's not you being selfish it is a genuine horrible thing that we all go through.....:)
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby sandi149 » Sun Aug 30, 2009 5:54 pm

danmia wrote:Good question I HOPE only while we're going through this lol.......my night sweats have almost disappeared now just occasionally it happens. Lack of libido never has been that bad for me but it's not as good as it used to be, but we manage I'm lucky in that my husband isn't unreasonable about sex at all, he always understands if I'm feeling crappy or just over tired. He works really hard so he's often very very tired too so that works for us.......did you get your husband to read some of the posts on here? I'm sure that would help a great deal if he could see it's not you being selfish it is a genuine horrible thing that we all go through.....:)


He refuses to read anything....I said I was going to get a book, he told me not to bother. :(
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Re: Husband refuses to understand

Postby minniepauz » Mon Aug 31, 2009 2:53 pm

Sounds like you're going to have to be persistent if you are going to continue to want him to understand. He's obviously not even trying...that happens a lot because men are "afraid" of change and this is a big one. Yes, things can really be different but it's a natural transition of life, not something we brought on to torment our men!

My last suggestion is to print out the comments from other MEN on this forum and just leave them where he can find them (by the tv or on a desk by the computer). Put a note that says, "please read so we can discuss this...it's important to me".

If he's not interested, then we're here to support YOU!
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