It's very difficult. Everyone is constantly after me.... "Whats wrong with you?" "Are you sick" "You should see a doctor" "Thats not normal.. aren't you worried?"
I am having a VERY hard time running my lab. Something that usually brings me great joy... I love my work. Right now I don't care. I don't know what I want to do, or where I want to go. Sometimes I feel like I can't think straight. I'm not even sure I want to be married anymore. I love my Daughter and Granddaughter with all of my heart..... but even going to St. Louis seems like too much effort. I know I am depressed. I can handle days of depression.... its all the 'other' stuff that goes along with it I can't handle...... the hypochondria (What if the racing heat really IS heart disease? What IF the hemorrhoid really IS rectal cancer.... what if, what if, what if?), the anxiety, the body aches, the worry..... Acckkkk........ I really thought all this kind of crap was light years behind me......
I planned all year long for my husband's 50th birthday.... I threw him a big surprise party. I literally had to 'force' my way through the day. I dread going out with friends...... too much effort to fake smile and laugh. I know this will pass. It always does. I HATE whining. But when you go through this.... you really do go through it alone. I had high hopes of breezing through menopause.
