Even at 50+ years, I'm still learning about new and strange things that are happening to my body as I age. It's not enough that my eyesight is getting worse, or that my hearing requires an obscene volume on the TV, now I have to deal with really tough TOENAILS! I can remember as a kid being grossed out at my grandparents' feet and toenails. In fact, now that I think of it, my Great-Grandpa Bailey used to trim his with his pocket knife! How was a 10 yr. old ever to imagine that it might become an option someday?

In my teenage years, I used to paint my fingernails and toenails to match my outfits, but it was always some shade of PINK. Hmmmm....back then, if you didn't like red polish, it had to be a shade of pink. Too bad we didn't have all the lovely choices of today.....Blue, Green and of course, your basic Black! Yuck! But, I digress (which happens a lot these days)! I was never able to grow my nails very long. They were too soft and would split horizontally and it seemed like every week I had to cut them back to match all the ones that had broken off. 

It wasn't that I didn't drink enough milk, because I've always LOVED milk. That was really the only advice at the time, for having beautiful, long, healthy nails. I don't know if calcium supplements would have helped at that time or not, but about the only supplements I can remember being promoted were One-A-Day vitamins, and I thought those were for "old" people, like my parents. Let's see, my Mother was 18 when I was born, so when I was 18, she was an "old" 36!

Then I went through a time when "Sally Hansen" (fingernail products) and I were like sisters! As long as I painted my nails with a fresh coat of the SH Nail Hardener every day, I could begin to see some progress! I actually got my nails to grow out to at least 1/8" and the best part was the one time they were ALL the same size! I think that lasted for two days at the longest, because this was during a time in my life when I had 3 kids. It was all I could do to get one fresh coat of the clear nail hardener on all 10 nails (forget the toenails!) at one time, much less a second coat or a nice color. Invariably, I would have to do SOMETHING that would mess up my nails before they were dry! They didn't have those fast-drying products or that nifty little "Nail Dryer" machine back then. Nope, we had to actually BLOW our nails dry! I know, the Dark Ages!

When the kids were grown and I went out into the world to work, it was about the time that acrylic nails became popular. I thought finally I would have long beautiful nails! They were VERY expensive (almost $80, I think), but I figured I deserved it after living nearly 40 years with short, soft nails. I thought I would DIE before I got out of that shop!!! I couldn't believe how painful it was and the smell almost knocked me out! No one (at least not the customers) knew about the formaldihyde in that stuff! Whew! But I walked out of there with the most BEAUTIFUL nails I could have ever imagined!

I spent the next week sneaking peeks at my hands every chance I got! I couldn't believe how my pudgy little fingers could look so elongated and graceful! I also didn't realize how complicated my life would become until the next morning when I tried to get dressed for work, or use my curling iron, or push the buttons on the microwave to make a cup of tea. It was laughable to say the least. It was like I was wearing someone else's hands, but THEY were still in charge of them! I had trouble getting my key in the car door and had to turn my fingers sideways to open the door. (for $80 I certainly didn't want to chip one on the first day!) When I got to the office and tried to write with a pen or type something or push the buttons on the copier, it was hard to remember why I had wanted nails in the first place! By 10 am when I looked at my hands, all I saw were CLAWS that weren't good for anything!

When I got home that evening and finally managed to undo the 12 buttons on the BACK of my blouse, the zipper and button on the BACK of my skirt, and got my pantyhose off with only making two holes, I found one of the most wonderful uses for long nails......scratching! You know how your skin feels after being in pantyhose all day, right? 'Nuff said! Oh, that felt good! Then I took a shower and when I washed my hair, it was like being in the beauty shop with someone else massaging my head....another great feeling. In the next few weeks, I found several good uses for these long nails....they were really "tough as nails" and the polish stayed on much better. Dialing the phone was fun, but tapping my nails on my desk was REALLY cool! It was like....entertainment! Ok, we all know I'm a bit weird, but I like to think that I just know how to enjoy the small things in life! Of course there was one other handy use for the long nails, but everyone knows about that one so I won't bother to explain the obvious. (hehehe)

Once I started my own business on the computer, I had to forego the luxury of acrylic nails. When they were finally gone, I felt like someone had chopped off my hands.....they were STUBS again!! I started all over with how to operate equipment, getting dressed and even having a problem with depth perception when I would go to pick something up. I started hiding my hands again, even from myself. No more admiring glances or waving them gracefully just to see how beautiful they looked. And if I thought they were soft and weak before, now they were almost paper thin since they had been sealed with all those chemicals for so long.

For the last 5 or 6 years, the LAST thing I have bothered to think about is my nails. I've been self-employed, a hermit on my computer and dealing with menopause, so you can imagine my surprise when I realized how long and brittle my nails had become! As I took a good look at my hands, I even noticed a few dark circles....age spots?? At MY age?? I reached down and quickly pulled off my socks and THERE THEY WERE.....my GRANDMOTHER'S FEET!! I'll make sure that I keep my shoes on the next time MY grandkids come to visit! Oh, and heed the warning in this week's cartoon!