As the Redhead and I helplessly plow through yet another of life’s great unknowns, I, in my inimitable fashion have found yet another way to make lemonade out of fire and brimstone. I’m talking about the merciless effects menopause. I see a need for help in these trying times so I plan to start a monthly magazine dedicated solely to this issue, not only to help the women suffering it, but for us poor slobs that must suffer through it with them. 

I shall call it “Menopausal Mama Monthly”

However, before I am accused of being insensitive to women or of making fun of their serious (if not hilarious) plight, I want everyone to know that my hopeful result is to help these precious angels that brought so much joy to us, gave us families and tolerated we men for all those years prior to the onset of this natural disaster.

The premise of this magazine will be many-fold. First I shall feature some homemade remedies and quick fixes that can be used as necessary. An example would be my patent-pending Auto-Cooler and Sleep-Saver device that is simple to build after a quick trip to the hardware store. The Redhead seems to be on a very specific schedule which makes this invention amazing in its simplicity. She tends to have her hot flashes and night sweats at precisely 4:am. I don’t know why, perhaps she was born at 4:am or maybe she’s sensitive to the position of the moon or something, but I have rigged up a simple timer to a fan by the bed that turns on automatically at 3:55 am and shuts off at 4:15 am. A total investment of $30. Don’t make the mistake I did by buying the Turbo-Blast Blizzard Series 4000 model, as she ran this thing all night for a month and I nearly died of walking pneumonia.

For those of you that have less of a scheduled ETA I am working on a prototype of a temperature sensing strip that sticks to her forehead and when her body temperature reaches a certain programmable point it will send a signal to an earpiece worn by the husband that yells “Get up you slob and turn on the fan and pull the blankets off the bed!” After her body reaches normal temperature the husband will hear “Thank you honey, you may now turn off the fan and cover me back up” in a pleasant tone. I believe this will prevent all those bruises the husband may suffer when she gets to kicking the blankets off wildly in the night and lends itself to a more pleasant mood for her in the morning. 

I came to these inventions after the first few months of the Redhead entering menopause, which by the way, she says most bad things that happen to women start with the letters MEN, but back to the point, at the onset she sent me looking for fans of every type. Those that plug into a cigarette lighter, those for her desk at work, a couple varieties of battery-operated purse models, and even one that clips to her blouse, so I believe these improved models will be greatly received.

I am also working on other ideas that will address her 5:oclock shadow. I discovered this problem quite by accident when I walked into the bedroom unannounced and found her standing there with white cream across her top lip. She looked like she was in the middle of filming a “Got Milk?” commercial and it did embarrass her a bit. Additional hair growth is a reality at this time in her life but knowing this doesn’t take the sting out of rolling over at night to a Silverback gorilla. If one is careful enough it is possible to use Nair on her mustache and back without getting caught. Follow the directions carefully and don’t get overly ambitious or she may wake up looking like one of those weird Egyptian hairless cats. I have also been working on a special diet especially designed to help with what I affectionately call “The More to Love Belly and Booty Weight Gain”. So far I have found that common rabbit pellet food from the pet store secretly mixed with her favorite bran cereal has helped in a net loss of over 5 lbs. 

To help with the night sweats you might want to urge her to cut her hair shorter too, and that her gray is a beautiful shiny welcomed asset to her looks. Caution should be exercised here, push examples of Jamie Lee Curtis and Halle Berry length hair so she knows what you’re pushing her toward. Otherwise you may find yourself waking up next to GI Jane or Vin Diesel. Not good for you or her. 

As for the mood swings, I have taken to setting my Redhead up in bed under one of her mother’s handmade quilts with a tried and true DVD crying girl movie. (Terms of Endearment, Travelling Pants, or anything where the guy is a no good cheating SOB while the woman is dying of some incurable disease) with a box of tissues, chamomile tea and an assortment of chocolate. Other than that I haven’t found many solutions other than to look her in the eyes while she tells me all about her hormonal issues while I return that sad puppy-dog “My heart is crying for you” look. It works most of the time, except when I’m visibly distracted by the OSU Buckeyes playing on the TV in the other room.

I am also thinking about featuring some photo shoots complete with centerfolds to boost her morale. These would be MENopausal aged women in swimsuits proving to her that just because she’s of that age in her life there is no reason she can’t still be beautiful. I think this may also entice some men to read the magazine and inadvertently learn something useful about what their loved one is going through. 

After I’m done with this project I’m thinking of starting another magazine called “Men’s Mid-life Crisis Monthly” where the advertizing spaces are all sold to the Corvette, Hair Club for Men and Viagra people. I mean, we men have our own unique problems too. 

As always, it’s been a pleasure sharing my thoughts with you and I am open to your suggestions. I’ll leave the fan on for ya.

John Booth
MyndSyte® Musical Solutions is an independently owned and operated assembly of musicians in and around the Columbus Ohio area seeking to provide quality entertainment for events of all kinds at reasonable prices.