I had prepared for it like any intelligent knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body.

The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.

Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door. I stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, “Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back...” Bodies never have pockets where you need them.

Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled and I got the formal all the way up to my knees ... before the zipper gave out.

I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away.

Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B: The black velvet caftan.

I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store: the scented shower gel, the bodybuilding / highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer.

Soon my hair would look like that girl’s in the Pantene ads. Then the makeup: the under eye “ain't no lines here” firming cream, the all-day face-lifting gravity -fighting moisturizer with wrinkle filler spackle, the all day “kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off” lipstick, the bronzing face powder for that special glow...

But first, the roll-on facial hair remover. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.

OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle, gravity fighting, “your face will look like a baby's butt” face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful.

Ready to take on the world. . . . or in this instance, my underwear. cont. next column
 
 

A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, “Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?” Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees. But I was firm! 

Oh no...I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on, undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro, but the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind.

I quickly sidestepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle.

I was ready for the bra. I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, “Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around. Put the bra on the way it should be worn --- straps over the shoulders. Then bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups.” Easy, if you have four hands! But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down...but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup and, while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy.

I bounced up, and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So, while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and toes and I set 'em to swinging. Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift, I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra, I stood up for examination.

Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up! My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chin rest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Oh... why did I buy heels with buckles?

Then I had to pee again.

I put on my (purple) sweats, fixed myself a drink, ordered pizza, and skipped the reunion. (Author Unknown)

 

"The most valuable thing I have is my sense of humor and I hope to share it with as many women as possible...it really DOES help to laugh at ourselves (I do it at least once a day!). Our minds are very powerful and with practice, we can control the thoughts we dwell on....it always feels better to dwell on the positive!!" ........Dee

4oz soya flour,
4oz wholewheat flour,
4oz rolled oats,
4oz linseeds,
2oz sunflower seeds,
2oz pumpkin seeds,
2oz sesame seeds,
2oz flaked almonds,
2 pieces of ginger chopped,
8oz raisins,
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg,
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon,
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger,
15 fluid oz soya milk,
1 tablespoon malt extract.

Put all the dry ingredients in a mixing bowl, add soya milk and malt extract. Mix and leave to soak  for 30 minutes. Bake in a small loaf tin at 190 degrees C (375F) for 90 minutes. Eat a slice every day with butter or soya spread.
I like it a little sweeter than this so use sweetened soya milk, but it is very tasty.

My mother-in-law became quite ill and we chose to honor her and spend her last months focusing on her life and her needs.  We are grateful for that decision.  She has now passed on with peace and great dignity and we are much richer for the time we were able to devote to her.

I want you to know how your work brought her many moments of laughter during her final months.  When she was feeling well enough, I would go to your site and we would look at the cartoons that were available.  Even at 82 she could still relate to the cartoons and would laugh and chuckle throughout
the day as she would recall what she had read.  It certainly showed me that women never forget the trials and tribulations of Menopause.

I decide to get my oil changed, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to change the oil in the car, BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK I'll just put the bills on my desk. BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out. but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills. Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops. There's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks, BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away, BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door. Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants, BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not change, bill still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious. I'd get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail.

Perfect.....just perfect! :) Thanks to "Snookybryant",
you hit it on the head for many of us!!.............Dee

It came to me that I have been fighting menopause for the last three years.  I prayed for years for the PMS I battled to go away and to be a better person. I think the answer was menopause. No more awful PMS. So I guess I have accepted it. It doesn't make me like the fact that I am in the late summer of my life. It just makes me take a deep breath and say just move on to the next chapter. I do have more confidence. I will just look at it with the idea that I am on the very young side of 50.(in Dec. I'll be 50) I have raised 3 wonderful children and am married for 31 years. That is such a accomplishment in its self. There is no going back. So I will just move forward and enjoy my age. I am no longer going to feel sorry for myself.

I am still going to work on the libido thing. I am sure I'll feel bad from time to time, but I am in good health and on to a new verture. I have the feeling that a weight has just been lifted off my shoulders. Thanks for listening. I will still be here on this board. I have recieved my best support from all of you. Good luck to all of us. Linda

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving--call 1-800-***"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday

FINALLY I know that someone out there understands me!  No one seems to want to admit how it really is!  My doctor has me scheduled with a shrink to see  why my memory is going, he thinks it's either meds or silicone!  I now think its normal!  Hey, and every cloud DOES have a silver lining...if I start forgetting, maybe I will think the way I feel is normal!

Could I have your permission to print off on my snazzy dot matrix printer ([Hey bell bottoms came back)! Some of the cartoons (just a few to hang up to remind me I'm not alone)  I.E.: "Reruns" because of the doctors appt. to show them it's normal.  I am on disability so these will not be used for profit but for encouragement only.  I can't wait to see what Minnie does next!  I think you should be a syndicated columnist with as many baby boomers entering the menopause market...I might start reading the comics again! 

May you joys be as deep as the ocean and your sorrows as light as it's foam!  God bless you in your endeavors!
Debbie R.

Dee, thanks so much for your web site.  I know you hear this everyday and many times.  You lift my spirits, add laughter to my day and remind me that  without humor life would be unbearable.  This old woman, with 5 cats, loves you. Thanks again so very much for all your hard work. Sincerely, B.J.

I just want to tell you what a lifesaver your newsletter and website are. This past March, I was on my way to a Chiropractor appointment when I almost turned my car around and headed for the hospital to commit myself to the psyche ward. I had been experiencing some memory loss (I am 45 years old) for about six months, along with crazy anxiety moments, and did not have a clue that I might be entering into a new "phase" of Menopause. 

Up until then the only symptom I'd had was about two menstrual periods a year and a little insomnia now and then. When I was telling a friend about what I had almost done, she said "sounds to me like menopause." I came home and got on the internet and typed in menopause to see if I could find an on-line support group or something. When I found your website link, I immediately went there to get a good laugh. 

I have always believed that humor was good medicine. Not only did I get to laugh but I went to the link that gave the list of symptoms and cried of relief to know that what I was experiencing was normal. I have since then, gone to the doctor for my yearly physical exam and am trying the herbal approach for three months while I investigate ERT.

I visit your site regularly and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the networking you have created and the support and comraderie I feel, just knowing that there are probably other women out there just like me. I am not alone anymore. I am fairly new in the town I live in and don't really have any really close friendships built yet. I teach classes in Journal Writing and have created on called "Writing Your Way Through Menopause" which I will start teaching in the fall. I will definitely refer my students to your website.

So thank you Dee, for your wonderful humor and wit and supportive network that saved my sanity.
DJ Thornley
 

10. Musical Recliners
  9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
  8. Hide and Go Pee
  7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
  6. Doc, Doc Goose
  5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse     Says Bend Over
  4. Kick the Bucket
  3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear
  2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
  1. Sag, You're It

A Big Hug To You,
Sharon 
(Flashing in Florida)