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A Collection of Menopause Funny, Sweet and Inspirational Mail Received by Minnie Pauz®...
including poems, quotes and other ramblings.

Drinking two glasses of Gatorade can relieve headache pain almost immediately-without the unpleasant side effects caused by traditional pain relievers.

Did you know that Colgate toothpaste makes an excellent salve for burns.

Before you head to the drugstore for a high-priced inhaler filled with mysterious chemicals, try chewing on a couple of curiously strong Altoids peppermints.  They'll clear up your stuffed nose.

Achy muscles from a bout of the flu?  Mix 1 Tablespoon of horseradish in 1/2 cup of olive oil.  Let the mixture sit for 30 minutes,then apply it as a massage oil, for instant relief for aching muscles.

Sore Throat??  Just mix 1/4 cup of vinegar with 1/4 cup of honey and take 1 Tablespoon six times a day.  The vinegar kills the bacteria.

Cure urinary tract infections with alka-seltzer.  Just dissolve two tablets in a glass of water and drink it at the onset of the symptoms.  Alka-Seltzer begins eliminating urinary tract infections almost instantly-even though the product was never been advertised for this use.

Eliminate puffiness under your eyes.....All you need is a dab of preparation H, carefully rubbed into the skin, avoiding the eyes.
The hemorrhoid ointment acts as a vasoconstrictor, relieving the swelling instantly.

Honey remedy for Skin Blemishes......Cover the blemish with a dab of honey and place a band-aid over it.  Honey kills the bacteria, keeps the skin sterile, and speeds healing.  Works overnight.

Listerine therapy for toenail fungus....Get rid of unsightly toenail fungus by soaking your toes in Listerine mouthwash.  The powerful antiseptic leaves your toenails looking healthy again.

Easy eyeglass protection....To prevent the screws in eyeglasses from loosening, apply a small drop of Maybelline Crystal Clear nail polish to the threads of the screws before tightening them.

Coca-Cola cure for rust...Forget those expensive rust removers.
Just saturate an abrasive sponge with Coca Cola and scrub the rust stain.  The phosphoric acid in the coke is what gets the job done.

Cleaning liquid that doubles as bug killer....If menacing bees, wasps, hornets, or yellow jackets get in your home and you can't find the insecticide, try a spray of Formula 409.  Insects drop to the ground instantly.

Smart splinter remover.....just pour a drop of Elmers Glue-all over the splinter, let dry, and peel the dried glue off the skin.
The splinter sticks to the dried glue.

Hunt's tomato paste boil cure....Cover the boil with Hunt's tomato paste as a compress.  The acids from the tomatoes soothe the pain and bring the boil to a head.

Balm for broken blisters.....To disinfect a broken blister, dab on a few drops of Listerine....a powerful antiseptic.

Heinz vinegar to heal bruises...Soak a cotton ball in white vinegar and apply it to the bruise for 1 hour.  The vinegar reduces the blueness and speeds up the healing process.

Kills fleas instantly.  Dawn dishwashing liquid does the trick.
Add a few drops to your dog's bath and shampoo the animal thoroughly.  Rinse well to avoid skin irritations.  Goodbye fleas Rainy day cure for dog odor....Next time your dog comes in from the rain, simply wipe down the animal with Bounce or any dryer sheet, instantly making your dog smell springtime fresh.

Eliminate ear mites....All it takes is a few drops of wesson corn oil in your cat's ear.  Massage it in, then clean with a cotton ball.  Repeat daily for 3 days.  The oil soothes the cat's skin, smothers the mites, and accelerates healing.

Vaseline cure for hairballs.....To prevent troublesome hairballs, apply a dollop of vaseline petroleum jelly to your cat's nose.
The cat will lick off the jelly, lubricating any hair in its stomach so it can pass easily through the digestive system.

Quaker Oats for fast pain relief....It's not for breakfast anymore!  Mix 2 cups of Quaker Oats and 1 cup of water in a bowl and warm in the microwave for 1 minute, cool slightly, and apply the mixture to your hands for soothing relief from arthritis pain

Can't believe you made it? If you lived as a child in the 50's, 60's or  70's.....

Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have...As  children, we would ride in cars with no
seat belts or air bags. Riding in the  back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. Our baby  cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof  lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we  had no helmets. (Not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

We drank  water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only  to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times  we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play  all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was  able to reach us all day.  No cell phones. Unthinkable. We played dodge ball and
sometimes the ball would really hurt.   We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth, and there were no law suits from  these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us. Remember  accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and  learned to get over it.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar  soda but we were never overweight......... we were always outside playing. We  shared one grape soda with four friends, from one bottle and no one died from this.   We did not have Play stations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99  channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones,  Personal Computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside  and found them.
> We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the  door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel  world!

Without a guardian. How did we do it? We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did  not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.   Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't,  had to learn to deal with disappointment.... Some students weren't as smart  as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same  grade.....Horrors. Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were  our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind. The idea of a  parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided  with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers  and inventors, ever. The past 50
years has been an explosion of innovation  and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we  learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.
Jeffery M. Telford
"Bricks and Banjos"
RETIRED AND LOVING IT
 

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner... as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter.
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?).
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally. See example below:

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1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this
winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
4. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
5. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And you reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie friggin' Nelson."
6. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
7  You change your underwear after every sneeze.
8. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

Signs of Wear

1. Your answer to, "Let's go upstairs and make love" is "Pick one, I can't do both!"
2. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
3. A babe/hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
4. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
5. You don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along.
6. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
7. "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
8. "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
9. An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee!