FUNNY MENOPAUSE STORIES

Hubby and I are on the Medifast diet, and eat their pre-packaged food most of the time.  It was time for my mid-morning “snack” and I decided to mix and drink one of their powdered chocolate shakes.  It’s so easy, I do it right at my desk at work.  I had half of a bottle of diet Coke left, and thought, hmmm, it would be good made with diet Coke instead of water!  Hubby makes them all the time in the blender.

So I measured out 8 oz. of diet Coke in my little shaker cup, poured in the powder, snapped the lid down and shook.

Diet Coke.

Shook.

Those two words don’t go together.

In about 10 seconds, I heard this little “burp” noise, and looked down.  It had virtually EXPLODED all over me . . . my clothes . . . my desk . . . every piece of paper ON my desk . . . my bulletin board . . . EVERYWHERE!!  It was so bad, all I could do was laugh!!  I had to go home & change clothes, but I still can’t believe I DID THAT!!!!!

p.s.  I didn’t lose the whole shake – and it WAS good with Diet Coke!!!  Nancy in Houston 
 

My Granddaughter was in my room while I was changing clothes, she asked me “ GranMa why do your Boobies point down?” I told her “ because GranMa’s Boobies are very, very old and I didn’t have thousands of dollars to make then stand up!” I also told my son(her dad) he needed to chip in on a boob job!........Debbi  
 

So, the economy tanked and I laid off all my employees and didn't have much of a job.  Since I hadn't lived here for very long I didn't have many friends either.  I decided to get involved with this ladies group to fill up part of my days.  Being the bossy organizer I am, I quickly moved in and began planning field trips and recruiting new members.  A former client of ours had just moved in a few doors down.  So, I got her on board and planned a trip to the Hawaiian Vanilla Farm for all of us...a nice tour then lunch.  Since I had a large vehicle I was to pick-up the former client then the rest of the ladies.  Even though I was a new member, I already had a reputation for being late...most of these ladies were retired and even 5 minutes late was not tolerated!  Not knowing any of them very well, I was a little nervous so I started getting ready early and thought I had everything carefully planned out and thought out.  Leaving the house right on time.....oh, but where are my car keys?  Searching here, searching there, searching high, searching low....nothing, nada, zip!  5 minutes late.  Next thought....it's my Husbands fault right, he's taken my keys! Call him up, nope!!!  10 minutes late. Now I'm really freaking out!  Search the whole townhouse again top to bottom, this is a small place...still nothing.  15 minutes late.  Now I have to call the former client that I barely know and ask her if she will be kind enough to drive all of these other ladies that I barely know and that she has never met.  And now we're 20 minutes late!!!  So we get in here car, get the other ladies, go the Vanilla Farm.  After quite a bit of ribbing and teasing about being late, everything is wonderful.  I’m in menopause and forget all about my keys.  I return home and open the fridge to make my Husband his dinner and low and behold there are my car keys!  Oh no, they aren’t in there by accident…I put them in there on purpose.  An old trick I learned from Parents magazine when my boys were small, put your keys in the fridge with the baby formula so you don’t forget it…you can’t go anywhere without your keys.  So, I had put them in there so I would remember to take my bottle of water with me when I left.  Can you say, duh……Carri Pattison 
 

I felt really pleased with myself that I'd actually remembered where I'd parked my car in a busy car park, but just as I was about to put my key in the door, I realised that there was a lot of stuff on the back seat that I just didn't recognise.  Oh-ho!  Wrong car, I thought to myself.  I'm not falling for that one!  As I walked away to look for my car, I looked back and thought, "Funny though.  It's got the same steering wheel cover as mine".  Then I realised that it actually was my car.  And the stuff on the back seat that I didn't recognise was my stuff...  Lyndsay,  Hereford UK 
 

While I was in the shower on a Saturday, my husband was out running errands and came back with sandwiches for lunch.  When I came out of the shower, my son and my husband were eating, my sandwich was in the refrigerator.  After I got dressed, and they were finished eating, I went to the kitchen to get my sandwich.  There was a plate on the counter that was empty, so figuring I would have to wash one less dish, I used it to put my sandwich on and some chips.  It was a good lunch, I ate the whole thing with the dog watching me intently.  I brought the empty plate into the kitchen to put in the dishwasher.  I noticed by the way I was holding the dish, that it was a little slimy – lightbulb – the dog helped my son finish his sandwich.  Why didn’t I just put it in the dog’s bowl? EILEEN W., Cherry Hill, NJ 

In my forties I had been a heavy hitter, running my own company juggling big name clients with ease. Needless to say as I hit my mid-fifities I started dropping a few balls. "I can't seem to multi-task like  I used to." My daughter replied, "Mom, you don't multi-task at all any more...you mono task in tandem, poorly." Had to laugh. She's right! Sally Franz, author, "The Baby Boomers Guide to Menopause" Amazon. 

Ever since I started walking in March of this year, I have tucked my cellphone in my bra and then when I get home I take it out and place it on my desk. One morning awhile back I was going to run to the store about mid-morning so I went to grab my phone and it wasn't on the desk. I looked everywhere for it in case I had left it in the kitchen or in the bedroom and finally used the house phone to call the cellphone. I heard the phone ring and it was nearby but it was kind of muffled. I turned around and looked under the cushions of the couch, but couldn't find it. I called again and it sounded like I was right on top of it.....then I realized that my bra was ringing! I had forgotten to take the phone out when I got back from my walk!.......Dee

Well, I DID remind myself and I sat down close by to wait the 3-4 min. it would take to start boiling, but then I went to my home office to check my email and got completely absorbed in something on the web until I heard these "popping" noises. I was puzzled, but kept on with what I was doing on the computer until I decided to go investigate where the noises were coming from. I was so looking forward to some deviled eggs, but now they're just "devil" eggs! You can't really tell from the picture, but one of the eggs was splattered all over my kitchen! Of course the pot is ruined too. I'm glad my grandkids weren't here to see this! LOL

I pulled into the gas station one day and there was a line.  A woman pulled up to the pump and got out of her car.  She walked around the vehicle and then realized her tank was on the opposite side from the pump.  Shaking her head all the way around the car, she got back in.  I know, this is not so funny, but just wait!

She pulled around the pump.  Again, she proceeded to get out of the car and walk around the vehicle.  She then realized that her tank was again on the wrong side of the car.  Shaking her head all the way around the car, she got back in. 

She repeated the above again (yes, this is the third time) and again, was on the wrong side of the pump.  Shaking her head....

The fourth time, she got it right.  Do you think this was a menopause moment? (Definitely!!  Dee)

Now, in my household, there are three cars.  Mine is the only one that has the tank on the passenger side, so, when my husband borrows my car or I'm driving mine and pull up to the pumps, he is total confused, (he will say to me why are you going on this side?) but, I don't think when I'm not in the car, he goes to the above extremes.  He is a guy after all and has no problem with menopause.  Well, not directly any way!

An elderly Florida lady (over 55) did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition; for the same reason, she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat!

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale teenagers were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. If you're going to have a Senior ("Minnie") Moment, make it memorable!

I was changing clothes in front of my 3 year old granddaughter, trying to be as discrete about it as possible, especially since her new interest is in the human body. Well she was pointing to my breast and asked,"What's that?" I replied, "Honey, that's my breasts."  "well" she says, "They sure are long."  That's a new one on me...Hanging on in Houston

The other day I noticed that it was time to give my dog a bath. Kato is a very large male Rottweiller, who weighs in at about 130 lbs.  Giving him a bath is no small feat, and I needed my husband’s help.  I had everything all set out and ready to go:  tub of water, the garden hose, shampoo, and last, but not least, the chain collar so we could hang onto him. (he hates baths).  I called my husband to come and give me a hand with the dog.  He came over to the tub and in my menopausal state, I reached up and almost put the dog’s chain collar around his neck!  Fortunately for me, he is very understanding and didn’t turn around and snarl at me!

I’ve been peri-menopausal for a while now, and constantly misplacing my eye glasses.  But, one day my eye glasses really came up missing.   I thought for sure I left them right on my dresser.  We searched all over our house and yard and everyone else’s house and yard we knew, but never found the glasses.  So, I went for an eye exam, ordered new glasses and still didn’t find my glasses.  The doctor even assured me that now I would find the glasses, not!  Well, about a year later my husband is out sorting our compost pile, and what do you think he found?  My glasses!!!  How they got there, I’ll never know. 
Thanks, Sharon C.

I have found that I can no longer "multi task",as my poor brain is not up to it! I put water in a saucepan,ready to heat up.Then,I picked up the electric kettle,filled that up,and put it on the electric cooker  ring,to boil!Yeah.I know....I walked off to make the beds,and it was only the smell of burning plastic,that brought me back to the smokey kitchen,to prise the kettle from off the ring.Well,it came away fairly easily,but I was pulling gooey strands from the ring for days.And the smell!!!!!Ughhh  With Love and Laughter......Annie 

I was getting ready to leave for a business trip and had been watching television.  I attempted to turn the television off by reaching behind me to the light switch on the wall.  I keep swiping at the switch but couldn't understand why the television would not go off.  Well duh, the remote was on the table right in front of me and the light was not even on!  I just had to laugh and of course share this Minnie Moment with others. 

This is actually a double moment.  While reading everyone else's Minnie moments, I thought of one that happened to me today.  Unfortunately, by the time I got to the place to enter it, I had forgotten what I was going to log!

I asked a coworker that was busy if he wanted me to bring him back something for lunch.  When I got back, he asked me where I had put his lunch-I had completely forgotten that I was supposed to get something for him.......

I (easily) talked my girlfriend into going to see Menopause, the Play with me.  I got the tickets; my girlfriend and I were pleased that the date was the next evening and we thought they were good seats.  The next evening we got to the theater and were extremely pleased with the tickets as it put us exactly in the center of the front row - perfect seats.  While sitting there, two ladies came in and said we were in their seats.  No way!  So we all examined all four tickets and sure enough, all four were for the same seats.  We were angry that management would double book the same choice seats.  We took them to the usher where the tickets were examined by him (notice, a male).  Yep, all four were for the same seats - except the ones I got were for the next week!  All four of us had looked them over carefully and missed that part !!! 
Nancy B.

I called the Cable company the other day to report a problem with my cable box., after a few minutes of pressing buttons, a live person came to the phone, he proceeded to ask what my problem was with my cable, not thinking clearly related to menopause I answered him saying my Maxi  pad wouldn’t work,  the technician was chuckling and I couldn’t figure out why until  I hung  up the phone with him. The correct name for my cable box is a Moxi receiver. I suppose I gave e him a good laugh for the day, because I sure laughed the rest of my day. Trying to stay cool in Dallas, NC......Robin C.

One day Marianne took her son and his friend (both teenagers) to the mall.  Marianne pulls into a parking spot and goes in with the boys.  As they are leaving and walking back to the car, she couldn’t find her car keys.  Just as they approach the car she sees that the car is still running and the keys are in the ignition!  She couldn’t believe that she did that and that her car was still there.  What made me laugh even more was that the teenagers didn’t even notice that the car was running either when they got out of the car.  What does this say?  Young minds and older minds think alike, or NOT!!......Brenda S. 

In the grocery store I have had a many a hot flashes. One time I was with my 14 year old DS, and began experiencing a HUGE ONE. I ran to the stand up freezers (where the ice cream is sold) and jumped inside.... A young stockboy about 20 ish came over and asked if I needed help getting something..I told him 'YA!, help getting through menopause!' He blushed and walked away and I didnt find my son until after I had checked out and went to the car. There he was , with his hands in his pockets and swearing he'd never go shopping with me again!

I had been picked up by a male coworker one morning and asked him to stop at the store for smokes. He pulled in......I got out.....ran in got my smokes....walked back outside and when I tried to get into the van found that he had locked the door!! I was cold and started banging on the window........I heard a click as the door was released and climbed in saying "Oh I am soooo glad you are enjoying my discomfort!!"............only to turn and be facing a woman who looked absolutely scared to death. I turned four shades of red and glancing up through her window noted my friend sitting there in his van....head down on the steering wheel laughing hysterically. I mumbled an apology to the poor woman in the van and jumped out. To this day I can still not figure out why in the world she LET me in.......??????? Maybe she was meno too and understood?? lol lol lol......Tania

One of my 'Minnie Moments' was when the kids and pets were bellowing to be fed..I feed the animals first and dish out "beef stew" for the kids. The youngest starts crying because she doesnt want to eat canned cat food, and you look down and see the cats are walking away with a very smug look on their faces!!!! 

  Brain Fog... I went into the kitchen for a small bowl of ice cream. Walk back to the computer roomand sit down and began to read some more on the internet. (It was one of those insomnia nights) some more . I was enjoying my little treat...and getting to laugh too, all of a sudden...I realized my lap was really getting cold for such a small bowl..DUH! I glanced down at my lap, here I had brought the WHOLE pail of ice cream with me and stuck my bowl in the freezer! 

One night I had a craving for cereal. I walked into the kitchen and pour ed myself a bowl, added the milk..put the container and milk away in their rightful places, ...(I might add! very proud of myself here) , brought the spoon up to my mouth to take a bite and realized something smelled funny...here I had made myself a bowl of cereal out of DRY CAT FOOD !  
(I was probably getting "paid back" for trying to feed my child wet cat food one time) ...(I have the dry food in containers like some of my cereal containers! and they were both sitting on the counter!!!) 

I'm NOT even going to confess how many times I have done this...after driving to the stores..getting out of the car, standing in the parking lot, tell DD "Grab my cell phone outta the car".. but its not there..we rumage through my purse looking for it, and saying quite loudly, and in a strained voice... "All right which one of you kids grabbed the phone? DD starts laughing, Momma Look, it's in your hands! 

  We live overseas where the gas stove is heated by an external gas tank. One evening, we had a house full of guests visiting as they waited for supper to be served. I was putting the finishing touches on the buffet and realized the cake I was baking was going to be goo if the tank wasn't changed immediately so it could finish baking. I asked my husband to go out and change the tank for me. I completed setting up the buffet and all was ready to go, but I couldn't find my husband. Fortunately, he carries a cell phone, so I called frantically called him to let him know supper was ready, guests were waiting, and WHERE WAS HE??? He walked in laughing and reminded me that I'd sent him outside to change the gas tank two minutes earlier. .....Dee F., Taiwan

  Last weekend I went downstairs to fill out some forms for my daughter's school. I go into the kitchen pour myself a glass of water and bring it over to the table with the forms. About a minute later, I realize that I will need my wallet and cell phone to get some info so go to get them, go to the fridge and pour myself a glass of water......again..... 

  Here is my "mental pause" story. At night I go to the bathroom to run my shower water and then I go to the bedroom for my robe. I come back to the bathroom, put my shower cap on and get in the shower. Well, this particular night I ran the water and put the shower cap on before going to the bedroom. I came back to the bathroom looking for my shower cap. Not being able to find my shower cap, I am blaming my son who was sound asleep because I told him earlier to clean up the bathroom and I figured he moved my shower cap. He never moves my shower cap. I looked through all the cabinets in the bathroom and everywhere I could possibly think it might be. I went back to the bedroom to get my spare shower cap, reached passed the mirror to get the other shower cap, tried to put it on my head only to realize I had the other one on. Just think, what kind of expression my son would have had on his face with me being irritated and asking him what did he do with my shower cap.......Debbie

 I was at work in the middle of a "heated moment" wishing I had a fan when my eyes fell on the can of compressed "air" setting on my desk.  I had just cleaned my keyboard.  I picked it up and began "spraying" the canned air on the back of my neck - (it was wonderful by the way, add to it the can gets really cold when you spray the "air") - when my boss walks in my office.  The look on his face was priceless!  He left without either one of us saying a word and didnt come back for about two hours.  I did go and buy myself some 'canned air' to keep with me all the time! .....Cynthia

 Just finished reading Minnie Moments & I believe I have another for you if I can describe it accurately. This is one of those cases when a picture is worth a thousand words. Anyway, last Thursday, after a week of menopause insomnia, I drove to work. I work on a college campus and park in a large lot. It's summer session so the lot is mostly empty when I arrive shortly before eight. I took a short cut across the lot & neatly parked head-to-head in front of another car, locked it & went into work. About 30 minutes later, a co-worker came in and told me I'd parked between parking spaces and did I want her to watch the phone while I fixed it. I didn't have a clue what she was talking about, but grabbed my keys and went outside to discover I'd parked crosswise in one of the DRIVING aisles. ,,,,Liz S.,Topeka, KS

 The other day I noticed that it was time to give my dog a bath. Kato is a very large male Rottweiller, who weighs in at about 130 lbs.  Giving him a bath is no small feat, and I needed my husband’s help.  I had everything all set out and ready to go:  tub of water, the garden hose, shampoo, and last, but not least, the chain collar so we could hang onto him. (he hates baths).  I called my husband to come and give me a hand with the dog.  He came over to the tub and in my menopausal state, I reached up and almost put the dog’s chain collar around his neck!  Fortunately for me, he is very understanding and didn’t turn around and snarl at me!…. Ina

 Had my car keys in my hand so not to fumble in the parking lot.  Got in the car started to look thru my purse, complaining that I can never find anything in there, then it dawned on me that I wasn’t looking for my keys I was looking for my sunglasses and the car was already running.  Good gracious me......Debbie

 My "Minnie Moment" has been happening alot lately.  It seems when I am driving my car and heading into a deep curve, I hit the turn signal, left or right turn!  Hopefully, "this too shall pass". .....Sandy

 My sister and I are both going through menopause.  We seem to jumble our words when we speak, especially when we are excited.  So recently, we were on vacation and having a great time.  We spent the day in the sun and we were dressed up to go out to eat, and she excitedly exclaimed, "Your spearings are arkling"  What she meant to say is "Your earrings are sparkling"!  Needless to say, we both practically wet our pants laughing so hard!

 Arriving to work one morning in a sheek long black dress and jacket one of my co-workers just kept starring as I walked from my parking space towards the office entrance.  She had stopped and just kept starring.  As I got close enough to carry on conversation I asked her if something was the matter.  She replied"uhah,  I asked her what it was.  She said there's something on your dress.  I asked what?where?  She just pointed to the bottom of my dress where there was a panti liner stuck to the bottom of my dress.  I wondered where it had gone when I was getting dressed.  After that embarrassing incident I always check the full length mirror before leaving the house.............Cynthia

 Yesterday I went over to my Mom's house. I was telling her that I was reading your website the other night at 2:00 am, since I couldn't sleep (again). I told her about the 35 symptoms of menopause list that you have. I mentioned that I have about 12 of them right now. At the end of my story, I remembered that I told her all that a couple of days ago on the phone. At the end of my story, when I realized that I had already told her, I said, "Oh no, I've already told you that story. It's worse than I thought. Now I have 13 of the symptoms!".............Kelly

 The guys at work are pretty funny - when it gets too warm upstairs in our building, they claim "Manopause"!  They're so used to my brain cloud I walk through, going up the stairs, that they write everything down for me before I go up, so I can't forget a thing.  I used to call it a "blond moment" because I'm blond so I can have as many blond moments as I like, but a customer renamed it a "Mental Pause" - I like that even better! Thanks to transdermal progesterone cream, I tell everyone that "Life Begins at 50!"..........Carol

 You know, I'm a real big fan on breakfast.This one moring I wasn't very hungry so I got up and made some toast and butter.Hubby came out of the bedroom a few minutes later. Put the coffee on and made himself bread and butter. I said to him "holy dear why cant you eat a better breakfast then bread and butter?" He mumbled something and i bit his head off. As i sat there, it came to me. toast and butter, is the same as bread and butter. I didnt want to say anything thing, but hubby was looking at me and said this, "I Love you dear and I guess you're right, your breakfast is much better than mine, it was toasted.....hahahahhahaha." Thank God! he does understand the crazy way life will be for a few years.